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Excerpt

Excerpt

A Girl’s Guide to Modern European Philosophy

When I got to campus, the Falmer bar was buzzing. I fought my way to the bar and got myself a drink, which I didn’t like doing --- normally, I got some bloke to do it for me. Then I wandered upstairs to the hall, looking for Rob, or anyone else I knew. Inside, it was jam-packed with students sitting cross-legged on the floor blowing out clouds of smoke and kicking over plastic beakers of beer by mistake. I peered about in the gloom, recognising a few people on my course but no one I much wanted to talk to. If things got bad and nobody better came along, I’d go and talk to one of them. But for now I’d wait and see if Rob and his crowd turned up.

I went back downstairs and then up again, so I’d look as though I’d come in after him. This time, he was there, in a group on the floor near the door. I could tell he’d been looking out for me, because he jumped up immediately as soon as he saw me, and came over.

‘Hi, Susannah. How’s it going?’

‘Fine.You OK?’

‘OK. Good. Yes. Fine.’ He seemed nervous. ‘I didn’t know if you were coming or not.’

‘Nor did I. But I really like John Martyn, so I thought I would.’ I said it as though I had been a fan for years.

‘Great. Are you with anyone? There’s some space over here if you like.’

I didn’t answer his question about whether I was with anyone or not. I just walked over with him and nodded to his friends. One of them was a good-looking, dark-haired girl I’d seen on campus before. She ignored me as I sat down next to Rob, trying to avoid the beer puddles on the floor. The group were all passing round a joint. When it came to me, I took a quick drag, held it in my mouth rather than taking it down to my lungs, and passed it on. I didn’t want to get stoned. In this kind of mood, with people I’d only just met, I knew it would make me paranoid.

 

***

The lights went down, the talking stopped, and John Martyn came on stage. He was older than us, maybe in his late twenties, with curly hair and a red scarf tied round his neck. He was holding a bottle of beer and looking confused, as though he’d wandered on stage by accident and suddenly found himself under the bright lights. He went over to his guitar,swaying slightly, and sat down on a chair.There was a feeling of tension in the hall as he fiddled with his leads and his electronic boxes. He seemed not to notice us sitting there watching him. I wondered if he was pissed.There were a few crackling noises. Then he plugged the guitar in and started playing.

The guitar wasn’t like a normal guitar. All these loops of sound were coming out, layer upon layer, as though he was playing ten guitars at once, and a load of other instruments as well. You couldn’t quite follow what was happening. There was only this one guy on stage, sitting there with all these little boxes around him, weaving all these complicated patterns on just one guitar. After a while, I stopped trying to work out how he was doing it and just listened. And as I did, I stopped thinking about me, about Jason, about the flat, about Rob, about what was going to happen tonight. I stopped thinking about anything at all.

The hall went dead silent as we all drifted off with John Martyn’s guitar. It went on building up, layer by layer, until I felt dizzy. Then he started singing. His voice came in waves, like on the record. He slurred his words, maybe because he was drunk, but I got the feeling he would have done the same thing sober. Curl around me…

‘I love this one,’ I whispered to Rob before I could stop myself.

‘God, so do I,’ he whispered back. Then he put his arm around me, squeezed my shoulder, and let go again. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the dark-haired girl get up quietly and leave.

As the singing went on, a huge relief started to come over me, like it had the night before when I’d been in the flat on my own.Tears started rolling silently down my face, so I put my hair forward to hide them until they dried. It wasn’t that I felt paranoid. I wasn’t really stoned, but the dope was having an effect. And the music seemed to be loosening my mind. I felt as though I’d been in danger, but now the danger was past, and everything was going to be all right. Without thinking, I laid my head on Rob’s shoulder and closed my eyes.Then I realised what I was doing and jerked my head back up. He put his arm round me and this time, he left it there. And I laid my head back down on his shoulder. And left it there.

We stayed like that for the rest of the gig. At the end, when the lights came up, we let go of each other quickly. John Martyn was trying to get off the stage while everyone was clapping but he couldn’t find the exit and came through the audience instead. He passed right in front of us, still looking confused. He didn’t seem to know where he was. And, for a moment, neither had we.

A Girl’s Guide to Modern European Philosophy
by by Charlotte Greig

  • paperback: 275 pages
  • Publisher: Other Press
  • ISBN-10: 1590513177
  • ISBN-13: 9781590513170