Chapter One
After a solid year of visits to the clinic, Sarah was starting to find the decor annoying.Maybe the experts here believed earth tones had a soothing effect on anxious, aspiring parents. Or perhaps that the cheery burble of a wall fountain might cause an infertile woman to spontaneously drop an egg like an overly productive laying hen. Or even that the soft shimmer of brass chimes could induce a wandering sperm to find its way home like a heat-seeking missile.
The post-procedure period, lying flat on her back with her hips elevated, was starting to feel like forever. It was no longer standard practice to wait after insemination but many women, Sarah included, were superstitious. They needed all the help they could get, even
from gravity itself.
There was a quiet tap on the door, then she heard it swish open.
“How are we doing?” asked Frank, the nurse-practitioner. Frank
had a shaved head, a soul patch and a single earring, and he wore
surgical scrubs with little bunnies on them. Mr. Clean showing his
nurturing side.
“Hoping it is a ‘we’ this time,” she said, propping her hands
behind her head.
His smile made Sarah want to cry. “Any cramps?”
“No more than usual.” She lay quietly on the cushioned, steriledraped
exam table while he checked her temperature and
recorded the time.
She turned her head to the side. From this perspective, she could
see her belongings neatly lined up on the shelf in the adjacent
dressing room: her cinnamon-colored handbag from Smythson of
Bond Street, designer clothes, butter-soft boots set carefully against
the wall. Her mobile phone, programmed to dial her husband with
one touch, or even a voice command.
Looking at all this abundance, she saw the trappings of a woman
who was cared for. Provided for. Perhaps --- no, definitely --- spoiled.
Yet instead of feeling pampered and special, she simply felt…old.
Like middle-aged, instead of still in her twenties, the youngest client
at Fertility Solutions. Most women her age were still living with
their boyfriends in garrets furnished with milk crates and unpainted
planks. She shouldn’t envy them, but sometimes she couldn’t help
herself.
For no good reason, Sarah felt defensive and vaguely guilty for
going through the expensive therapies. “It’s not me,” she wanted to
explain to perfect strangers.“There’s not a thing wrong withmy fertility.”
When she and Jack decided to seek help getting pregnant, she
went on Clomid just to give Mother Nature a hand. At first it seemed
crazy to treat her perfectly healthy body as if there were something
wrong with it, but by now she was used to the meds, the cramps,
the transvaginal ultrasounds, the blood tests…and the crushing disappointment
each time the results came up negative.
“Yo, snap out of it,” Frank told her. “Going into a funk is bad
karma. In my totally scientific opinion.”
“I’m not in a funk.” She sat up and offered him a smile. “I’m fine,
really. It’s just that this is the first time Jack couldn’t make the appointment.
So if this works, I’ll have to explain to my child one day
that his daddy wasn’t present at his conception. What do I tell him,
that Uncle Frank did the honors?”
“Yeah, that’d be good.”
Sarah told herself Jack’s absence wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s
fault. By the time the ultrasound revealed a maturing ovarian follicle
and she’d given herself the HCG injection, they had thirty-six hours
for the intra-uterine insemination. Unfortunately, Jack had already
scheduled a late-afternoon meeting at the work site. He couldn’t get
out of it. The client was coming from out of town, he said.
“So are you still trying the old-fashioned way?” Frank asked.
She flushed. Jack’s erections were few and far between, and lately,
he’d all but given up. “That’s not going so hot.”
“Bring him tomorrow,” Frank said.“I’ve got you down for 8:00 a.m.”
There would be a second IUI while the window of fertility was still
open. He handed her a reminder card and left her alone to put
herself back together.
Her yearning for a child had turned into a hunger that was painfully
physical, one that intensified as the fruitless months marched
past. This was her twelfth visit. A year ago, she never thought she’d
reach this milestone, let alone face it by herself. The whole business
had become depressingly routine --- the self-injections, the invasion
of the speculum, the twinge and burn of the inseminating catheter.
After all this time, Jack’s absence should be no big deal, she reminded
herself as she got dressed. Still, for Sarah it was easy to remember
that at the center of all the science and technology was something
very human and elemental --- the desire for a baby. Lately, she had a
hard time even looking at mothers with babies. The sight of them
turned yearning to a physical ache.
Having Jack here to hold her hand and endure the New Age
Muzak with her made the appointments easier. She appreciated his
humor and support, but this morning, she’d told him not to feel
guilty about missing the appointment.
“It’s all right,” she had said with an ironic smile at breakfast.
“Women get pregnant without their husbands every day.”
He barely glanced up from checking messages on his BlackBerry.
“Nice, Sarah.”
She had touched her foot to his under the table. “We’re supposed
to keep trying to get pregnant the conventional way.”
He looked up and, for an instant, she saw a dark flash in his gaze.
“Sure,” he said, pushing back from the table and organizing his briefcase.
“Why else would we have sex?”
This resentful attitude had started several months ago. Duty sex,
for the sake of procreation, was no turn-on for either of them, and
she couldn’t wait for his libido to return.
There had been a time when he’d looked at her in away that made
her feel like a goddess, but that was before he’d gotten sick. It was
hard to be interested in sex, Jack often said these days, after getting
your gonads irradiated. Not to mention the surgical removal of one
of the guys. Jack and Sarah had made a pact. If he survived, they
would go back to the dream they’d had before the cancer --- trying
to have a baby. Lots of babies.They had joked about his single testicle,
they’d given it a name --- the Uni-ball --- and lavished it with attention.
Once his chemo was finished, the doctors said he had a good chance
of regaining fertility. Unfortunately, fertility had not been restored.
Or sexual function, for that matter. Not on a predictable level,
anyway.
They had decided, then, to pursue artificial insemination using the
sperm he’d preserved as a precaution before starting aggressive
treatment. Thus began the cycle of Clomid, obsessive monitoring,
frequent visits to North Shore Fertility Solutions and bills so
enormous that Sarah had stopped opening them.
Fortunately, Jack’s medical bills were covered, because cancer
wasn’t supposed to happen to newlyweds trying to start a family.
The nightmare had come to light at 11:27 on a Tuesday morning.
Sarah clearly remembered staring at the time on the screen of her
computer, trying to remember to breathe. The expression on Jack’s
face had her in tears even before he said the words that would change
the course of their lives: “It’s cancer.”
After the tears, she had vowed to get her husband through this
illness. For his sake, she had perfected The Smile, the one she
summoned when chemo landed him in a puking, quivering heap on
the floor. The you-can-do-it-champ, I’m-behind-you-all-the-way
smile.
This morning, feeling contrite after their exchange, she had tried
to be sociable as she flipped through the brochure for Shamrock
Downs, his current project, a luxury development in the suburbs.
The brochure touted, “Equestrian center designed by Mimi Lightfoot,
EVD.”
“Mimi Lightfoot?” Sarah had asked, studying the soft-focus photographs
of pastures and ponds.
“Big name to horse people,” he assured her. “What Robert Trent
Jones is to designing golf courses, she is to arenas.”
Sarah wondered how challenging it was to design an oval-shaped
arena. “What’s she like?”
Jack had shrugged. “You know, the horsy type. Dry skin and no
makeup, hair in a ponytail.” He made a whinnying sound.
“You’re so bad.” She walked him to the door to say goodbye. “But
you smell delicious.” She inhaled the fragrance by Karl Lagerfeld,
which she’d given him last June. She’d secretly bought it, along with
a box of chocolate cigars, for Fathers Day, thinking there might be
something to celebrate. When it turned out there wasn’t, she had
given him the Lagerfeld anyway, just to be nice. She’d eaten the
chocolate herself.
She noticed, too, that he was wearing perfectly creased trousers,
one of his fitted shirts from the Custom Shop, and an Hermès tie.
“Important clients?” she asked.
“What?” He frowned. “Yeah.We’re meeting about the marketing
plans for the development.”
“Well,” she said. “Have a good day, then. And wish me luck.”
“What?” he said again, shrugging into his Burberry coat.
She shook her head, kissed his cheek.“I’ve got a hot date with your
army of seventeen million motile sperm,” she said.
“Ah, shit. I really can’t change this meeting.”
“I’ll be all right.” Kissing him goodbye one more time, she suppressed
a twinge of resentment at his testy, distracted air.
After the procedure, she followed the exit signs to the elevator
and descended to the parking garage. Freakishly, the clinic had valet
parking, but Sarah couldn’t bring herself to use it. She was already
indulged enough. She put on her cashmere-lined gloves, flexing her
fingers into the smooth deerskin, then eased onto the heated leather
seat of her silver Lexus SUV, which came with a built-in car seat. All
right, so Jack had jumped the gun a little, buying this thing. But
maybe, just maybe, nine months from now, it would be perfect. The
ideal car for a soccer-mom-to-be.
She adjusted the rearview mirror for a peek at the backseat. At
present, it was a jumble of drafting paper, a bag from Dick Blick
Art Materials and, of all things, a fax machine, which was practically
a dinosaur in this day and age. Jack thought she should let it
die a natural death. She preferred to take it to a repair shop. It had
been the first piece of equipment she’d bought with her earnings
as an artist, and she wanted to keep it, even though no one ever
faxed her anymore. She did have a career, after all. Not a very successful
one, not yet, anyway. Now that Jack was cancer-free, she
intended to focus on the comic strip, expanding her syndication.
People thought it was simple, drawing a comic strip six days a week.
Some believed she could draw a whole month’s worth in one day,
and then slack off the rest of the time. They had no idea how difficult
and consuming self-syndication was, particularly at the beginning
of a career.
When her car emerged from the parking lot, the very worst of
Chicago’s weather flayed the windshield. The city had its own
peculiar brand of slush that seemed to fling itself off Lake Michigan,
sullying vehicles, slapping at pedestrians and sending them scurrying
for cover. Sarah would never get used to this weather, no matter
how long she lived here. When she had first arrived in the city, a
wide-eyed freshman from a tiny beach village in Northern Califor-
nia, she thought she’d encountered the storm of the century. She had
no idea that this was normal for Chicago.
“Illinois,” her mother had said when Sarah had received an offer
of admission the spring of her senior year of high school. “Why?”
“The University of Chicago is there,” Sarah explained.
“We have the best schools in the country right here in our
backyard,” her mother had said.“Cal, Stanford,Pomona, Cal Poly…”
Sarah had stood firm. She wanted to go to the University of
Chicago. She didn’t care about the distance or the god-awful weather
or the flat landscape. Nicole Hollander, her favorite cartoon artist,
had gone there. It was the place Sarah felt she belonged, at least for
four years.
She’d never imagined living the rest of her life here, though. She
kept waiting for it to grow on her. The city was tough and blustery,
unpretentious and dangerous in some places, expansive and generous
in others. Great food everywhere you turned. It had been overwhelming.
Even the innate friendliness of Chicagoans had been confusing.
How could you tell which ones were truly your friends?
She had always planned to leave the moment she graduated. She
hadn’t pictured raising a family here. But that was life for you. Filled
with surprises.
Jack Daly had been a surprise as well --- his dazzling smile and irresistible
charm, the swiftness with which Sarah had fallen for him.
He was a Chicago native, a general contractor in the family business.
His entireworldwas right here --- his family, friends andwork. There
was no question of where Sarah and Jack would live after they
married.
The city itself was part of Jack’s blood and bone. While most
people believed life was a movable feast, Jack could not conceive of
living anywhere but the Windy City. Long ago, in the dead of a brutal
winter, when she hadn’t seen the sun or felt a temperature above
freezing for weeks, she had suggested moving somewhere a bit more
temperate. He’d thought she was kidding, and they had never spoken
of it again.
“I’ll build you your dream house,” Jack had promised her when
they got engaged. “You’ll learn to love the city, you’ll see.”
She loved him. The jury was still out on Chicago.
His cancer --- that had been a surprise, too. They had made it
through, she reminded herself every single day. But the disease had
changed them both.
Chicago itself was a city of change. It had burned to the ground
back in 1871. Families had been separated by the wind-driven firestorm
that left nothing but charred timber and ash in its wake.
People torn from their loved ones posted desperate letters and
notices everywhere, determined to find their way back to each other.
Sarah pictured herself and Jack stepping gingerly through the
smoldering ruins as they tried to make their way back to each other.
They were refugees of another kind of disaster. Survivors of cancer.
Her front tire sank into a pothole. The jolt sent an eruption of
mud-colored slush across the windshield, and she heard an ominous
thud from the backseat. A glance in the mirror revealed that the fax
machine had done a swan dive to the floor. “Lovely,” she muttered. “Just swell.” She pressed the wiper fluid wand, but the ducts sputtered
out only an impotent trickle. The warning light blinked Empty.
Traffic crawled in a miserable stream northward. Stuck at a stoplight
for the third cycle, Sarah thumped the steering wheel with the
heel of her hand. “I don’t have to sit in traffic,” she said. “I’m selfemployed.
I might even be pregnant.”
She wondered what Shirl would do in this situation. Shirl was her
alter ego in Sarah’s comic strip, Just Breathe. A sharper, more confident,
thinner version of her creator, Shirl was audacious; she had a
screw-you attitude and an impulsive nature.
“What would Shirl do?” Sarah asked aloud. The answer came to
her in an instant: Get pizza.
The very thought brought on such a craving that she laughed. A
craving.Maybe she was already showing signs of pregnancy.
She veered down a side street and punched in “pizza” on her GPS.
A mere six blocks away was a place called Luigi’s. Sounded promising.
And it looked promising, she saw when she pulled up in front
of the place a few minutes later. There was a red neon sign that read,
Open Till Midnight and another sign that promised Chicago’s Finest
Deep Dish Pizza Since 1968.
As she pulled up the hood of her coat and made a dash for the
entrance, Sarah had a brilliant idea. Shewould take the pizza to share
with Jack. His meeting was probably over by now and he’d be
starved.
She beamed at the young man behind the counter. The name
Donnie was stitched on the pocket of his shirt. He looked like a nice
kid. Polite, a little shy, well-groomed. “Pretty nasty out there,”
Donnie commented.
“You said it,” she agreed. “Traffic was a nightmare, which is why
I took a detour and ended up here.”
“What can I get you?”
“A thin-crust pizza to go,” she said.“Large. And a Coke with extra
ice and…” She paused, thinking how good a nice cold, syrupy Coke
would taste. Or a beer or margarita, for that matter. She resisted
temptation, though. According to all the fertility advice books she’d
read, she was supposed to keep her body a temple free of caffeine
and alcohol. For many women, alcohol was often a key factor in conception,
not a forbidden substance. Getting pregnant was a whole
lot more fun for people who didn’t read advice books.
“Ma’am?” the kid prompted.
The “ma’am” made her feel old. “Just the one Coke,” she said.
Right this very minute, a zygote might be forming itself into a clump
of cells inside her. Giving it a shot of caffeine was a bad idea.
“Toppings?” the kid asked.
“Italian sausage,” she said automatically,“and peppers.” She glanced
yearningly at the menu. Black olives, artichoke hearts, pesto. She
adored those toppings, but Jack couldn’t stand them. “That’s all.”
“You got it.” The boy floured up his hands and went to work.
Sarah felt a faint tug of regret. She should at least get black olives
on half the pizza. But no. Especially during his treatment, Jack had
become an extremely picky eater, and just the sight of certain foods
turned him off. A big part of cancer treatment was all about getting
him to eat, so she had learned to cater to his appetite until she practically
forgot her own preferences.
He’s not sick anymore, she reminded herself. Order the
damned olives.
She didn’t, though. What no one told you about a loved one
getting cancer was that the disease didn’t happen to just one person.
It happened to everyone around him. It robbed his mother of sleep,
sent his father to the neighborhood bar each night, brought his
siblings jetting in from wherever they happened to be. And what it
did to his wife… She never let herself dwell on that.
Jack’s illness had stopped everything for her. She’d put her career
on hold, shoved aside her plans to paint the living room and plant bulbs in the garden, squelched her longing for a child. All of that had
gone by the wayside and she had parked it there willingly.With Jack
fighting for his life, she had bargained with God:I’ll be perfect.I’ll never
get angry. I won’t miss our old sex life. I’ll never complain. I won’t wish for
black olives on my pizza ever again, if only he’ll get better.
She had held up her end of the bargain. She’d been uncomplaining,
even tempered, utterly dedicated. She hadn’t made a peep about
their sex life or their lack of one. She hadn’t eaten a single olive. And
presto --- Jack’s treatments ended and his scans came back clean.
They had wept and laughed and celebrated, thenwoke up the next
day not knowing how to be a couple anymore. When he was sick,
they had been soldiers in battle, comrades in arms fighting their way
to safety. Once the worst was behind them, they weren’t quite sure
what to do next. After surviving cancer --- and she didn’t kid herself;
they had both survived the disease --- howdid you start being normal
again?
A year and a half later, Sarah reflected, they still weren’t sure. She
had painted the house and planted the bulbs. She’d rolled up her
sleeves and plunged into her work. And they had resumed trying for
the baby they’d promised each other long ago.
Still, it was a different world for them now. Maybe it was just her
imagination, but Sarah sensed a new distance between them. While
he was sick, Jack had days when he was almost entirely dependent
on her. Now that he was well, it was probably natural for him to
reassert his independence. It was her job to allow that, to bite her
tongue instead of saying she was lonely for him, for his touch, for
the affection and intimacy they once shared.
As the aroma of baking pizza filled the shop, she checked messages
on her cell phone and found none. Then she tried Jack, but got his
“out of service area” recording, which meant hewas still at thework
site. She put away the phone and browsed a well-thumbed copy of
the Chicago Tribune that was lying on a table. Actually, she didn’t
browse. She turned straight to the comic strip section to visit Just
Breathe. There it was, in its customary spot on the lower third of
the page.
And there was her signature, slanting across the bottom edge of
the last panel: Sarah Moon.
I have the best job in the world, she thought. Today’s episode was
another visit to the fertility clinic. Jack was hating the story line.He
couldn’t stand it when she borrowed material from real life to feed
the comic strip. Sarah couldn’t help herself. Shirl had a life of her
own, and she inhabited a world that sometimes felt more real than
Chicago itself. When Shirl had started pursuing artificial insemination,
two of her papers had declared the story line too edgy, and
they’d dropped her. But four more had signed on to run the strip.
“I can’t believe you think it’s funny,” Jack had complained.
“It’s not about being funny,” she’d explained. “It’s about being
real. Some people might find that funny.” Besides, she assured him,
she published under her maiden name. Most people didn’t know
Sarah Moon was the wife of Jack Daly.
She tried dreaming up a story line he would love.Maybe she’d give
Shirl’s husband, Richie, bigger pecs. A jackpot win in Vegas. A hot
speedboat. An erection.
That would never fly with her editors, but a girl could dream.
Mulling over the possibilities, she turned to the window. The rainsmeared
glass framed the Chicago skyline. If Monet had painted
skyscrapers, they would’ve looked like this.
“Regular or Diet Coke?” Donnie broke in on her thoughts.
“Oh, regular,” she said. Jack could use the calories; he was still
gaining back the weight he’d lost during his illness. What a concept,
she thought. Eating to gain weight. She hadn’t done that since her
mother had weaned her as an infant. People who ate all they wanted
and stayed thin were going to hell. She knew this because they were
in heaven now.
“Pizza’ll be right out,” the boy said.
“Thanks.”
As he rang her up, Sarah studied him. He was maybe sixteen, with
that loose-limbed, endearing awkwardness that teenage boys possess.
The wall phone rang, and she could tell the call was personal, and
from a girl. He ducked his head and blushed as he lowered his voice
and said, “I’m busy now. I’ll call you in a bit.Yeah. Me, too.”
Back at the worktable, he folded cardboard boxes and sang unselfconsciously
with the radio. Sarah couldn’t remember the last
time she had experienced that kind of f loating-through-the-day,
grinning-at-nothing sort of happiness.Maybe it was a function of age,
or marital status. Maybe full-grown, married adults weren’t
supposed to f loat and grin at nothing. But hell, she missed that
feeling.
Her hand stole to her midsection. One day, she might have a son
like Donnie --- earnest, hardworking, a kid who probably left his dirty
socks on the floor but picked them up cheerfully enough when nagged.
She added a generous tip to the glass jar on the counter.
“Thank you very much,” said Donnie.
“You’re welcome.”
“Come again,” he added.
Clutching the pizza box across one arm, with the drink in its
holder balanced on top, she plunged outside into the wild weather.
Within minutes, the Lexus smelled like pizza and the windows
were steamed up. She f lipped on the defroster and made her way
westward through winsome townships and hamlets that surrounded
the city like small satellite nations. She glanced longingly at the
Coke she’d ordered for Jack, and another craving hit her, but she
tamped it down.
Twenty minutes later, she turned off the state highway and
wended her way to a suburb where Jack was developing a community
of luxury homes. She slowed down as she drove through the
figured concrete gates that would one day be operated by key card
only. The tasteful sign at the entrance said it all: Shamrock Downs.
A Private Equestrian Community.
This was where millionaires would come to live with their
pampered horses. Jack’s company had planned the enclave down to
the last blade of grass, sparing no expense. The subdivision covered
forty acres of top-quality pastureland, a pond and a covered training
arena, lighted and lined with bleachers. The resident Thoroughbreds
and Warmbloods would occupy an ultramodern, forty-stall
barn. Bridle paths wound through the wooded neighborhood, the
surfaces paved with sand to reduce impact on the horses’ hooves.
In the late-afternoon gloom, she saw that all the work crews had
gone for the day, driven away by the rain. There was a Subaru
Forester parked at the barn, but no one in sight. The foreman’s
trailer looked abandoned, too.Maybe she had missed Jack and he was
heading home. Perhaps he’d had an attack of conscience and left his
meeting early to be with her at the clinic, but had gotten stuck in
traffic. There were no messages on her mobile, but that didn’t mean
anything. She hated cell phones. They never worked when you
needed them and tended to ring when you wanted peace and quiet.
The unfinished houses looked eerie, their skeletal timbers black
against the rain-drenched sky. Equipment was parked haphazardly,
like giant, hastily abandoned toys in a sodden sandbox. Half-full
Dumpsters littered the barren landscape. The people who moved to
this neighborhood would never realize it had started out looking like
a battle zone. But Jack was a magician. He could start with a sterile
prairie or a reclaimed waste disposal site and transform it into Pleasantville.
By spring, he would turn this place into a pristine, bucolic
utopia, with children playing on the lawns, foals gamboling in the
paddocks,women with ponytails and no makeup and thigh-hugging
riding pants heading for the barn.
Darkness deepened by the minute. The pizza would be cold soon.
Then she spotted Jack’s car. The custom-restored GTO was the
ultimate muscle machine, even though legally, it belonged to her.
When he was ill, she’d bought it to cheer him up. Using her earnings
from the comic strip, she’d managed to save up enough for a lavish
gift. Spending her life savings on the car had been an act of desperation,
yet she had been willing to give anything, sacrifice anything to
make him feel better. She only wished she could spend her last cent
to buy him back his health.
Now that he was well, the car remained his prize possession. He
only drove it on special occasions. His meeting with the client must
have been an important one.
The black-and-red car crouched like an exotic beast in the
driveway of one of the model houses. In its nearly finished state, the
home resembled a hunting lodge. On steroids. Everything Jack built
was bigger than it had to be --- wraparound deck, entryway, four-car
garage, water feature. The yard was still a mud pit, with great holes
carved out for the fully grown trees that would be installed. Installed
was Jack’s word. Sarah would have said planted. The trees looked
pathetic, like fallen victims, lying limp on their sides with their
withered root-balls encased in burlap.
It was pouring harder than ever when she parked and killed the headlights
and engine. A gaslight on a lamppost faintly illuminated a handlettered
sign: “Street of Dreams.” There were at least two river rock
gas fireplaces that she could see, and one appeared to beworking, evidenced
by a deep golden glowflickering in the upper-story windows.
Balancing the Coke on the pizza box, she opened her push-button
umbrella and got out. A gust of wind tugged at the ribs of the
umbrella, turning it inside out. Icy rain battered her face and slid
down inside her collar.
“I hate this weather,” she said through gritted teeth. “Hate it, hate
it, hate it.”
Rivulets of water from the unplanted yard ran down the sloping
driveway and swirled away in muddy streams. The nonfunctioning
sprinkler system tubes lay in a tangled mess. There was no place to
walk without getting her feet soaked.
That’s it, she thought. I’m making Jack take me home to California
for a vacation. Her hometown of Glenmuir, in Marin County,
had never been his favorite place. He favored the white sand beaches
of Florida, but Sarah was starting to feel it was her turn to choose
their destination.
The past year and a half had been all about Jack --- his needs, his
recovery, his wishes. Now that the ordeal was behind them, she let
her own needs rise up to the surface. It felt a tad selfish but damned
good all the same. She wanted a vacation away from soggy Chicago.
She wanted to savor each worry-free day, something she hadn’t been
able to do in a very long time.
A trip to Glenmuir wasn’t so much to ask. She knew Jack would
balk; he always claimed there was nothing to do in the sleepy seaside
village. Battling her way through the wild storm, she resolved to do
something about that.
No locks had been installed yet on the prehung doors of the huge,
unfinished home.
She smiled as she pushed open the front door and sighed with
relief. What could be cozier than sitting in front of the fire on a rainy
afternoon, eating pizza? Quite possibly, this house was the only
warm, dry place in the neighborhood.
“It’s me,” she called, stepping out of her boots so as not to muddy
the newly finished hardwood floors. There was no reply, just the
tinny sound of a radio playing somewhere upstairs.
Sarah felt a twinge of discomfort in her belly. Cramping was a side
effect of IUI, and Sarah didn’t mind. The fact that there was pain lent
an appropriate sense of gravitas to her mission. It was a physical
reminder of her determination to start a family.
Shaking off the raindrops, she padded in stocking feet to the stairs.
She’d never been here before, but she was familiar with the layout of
the house. Though it wasn’t obvious to most people, Jack worked
with only a few floor plans. The massive size and luxurious materials
aside, he built what he unapologetically called “cookie-cutter
mansions.” She had once asked him if he ever got bored, building essentially
the same house, over and over again. He had laughed aloud
at the question.
“What’s boring about netting a cool million on a tract home?” he
had countered.
He liked making money. He was good at it. And she was lucky,
because so far, she was terrible at it. Each year when they filed their
income tax return, he would look at the revenues from her comic
strip, offer her a generous smile and joke, “I always wanted to be a
patron of the arts.”
At the top of the stairs, she turned toward the sound of the radio,
her raincoat brushing against the machine-turned banister. “Achy
Breaky Heart” was playing, and she winced. Jack had terrible taste
in music. So bad, in fact, it was actually endearing.
The door to the master suite was ajar, and the friendly glow of
the fire glimmered across the freshly carpeted floors. She hesitated,
sensing…something.
A warning, beating like an extra pulse in her ears.
She stepped into the room, her feet sinking into the deep pile of
the carpet as her eyes adjusted to the soft, golden light. The diffuse,
kindly glow of the lifetime-guaranteed Briarwood gas logs flickered
over two naked bodies entwined on a bed of thick woolen blankets
spread in front of the hearth.
Sarah experienced a moment of complete and utter confusion.
Her vision clouded and she felt light-headed and nauseous. There was
some mistake here. She had walked into the wrong house. Into the
wrong life. She fought against the panicky random thoughts playing
Ping-Pong in her head. For a second or two she simply stood
immobile, assaulted by shock, forgetting to breathe.
After endless seconds, they noticed her and sat up, gathering
blankets to cover themselves. The song on the radio switched to
something equally appalling --- “Butterfly Kisses.”
Mimi Lightfoot, Sarah realized, was exactly as Jack had described
her: the horsy type --- dry skin and no makeup, hair in a ponytail. But
with bigger boobs.
Finally, Sarah found her voice and spoke the only coherent thought
in her head: “I brought you a pizza. And a Coke. Extra ice, the way
you like it.”
She didn’t throw the pizza or spill the drink. She set everything
carefully on the built-in media console next to the radio. She was as
discreet and efficient as a room service waiter.
Then she turned and left.
“Sarah, wait!”
She heard Jack calling her name as she skimmed down the stairs
with the speed and grace of Cinderella at the stroke of midnight.
Shoving her feet into her boots barely slowed her down. In seconds,
she was outside with her broken umbrella, heading for the car.
She started the engine just as Jack burst outside. He wore his good
pants --- the ones with the creases she had admired this morning ---
and nothing else. She could see his mouth working, forming her
name: Sarah. She put the headlamps on bright and turned the car,
feeling a satisfying crunch as the rear bumper of the Lexus toppled
the custom river rock mailbox. Her high beams washed across the
front of the house, illuminating the porch timbers and fine wooden
window casements, the Andersen glass and the grand front entranceway.
For a moment, Jack appeared pinned by the glare, a prize buck
frozen in the headlights.
What would Shirl do? Sarah asked herself. She gripped the
steering wheel, threw the car into gear and floored the accelerator.
Excerpted from Just Breathe © Copyright 2012 by Susan Wiggs. Reprinted with permission by Mira. All rights reserved.
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