Loving Men More, Needing Men Less
by Judith Sills
List Price: $11.95
Pages: 256
Format: Paperback
ISBN: 0140242236
Publisher: Penguin USA
A New Approach to Love
Enough about men! It's about
women! The days of negotiating, translating, and mediating are over. After
more than a decade of fixating on "needs" and arbitrating the terms of
their "love" relationships, women are embarking on a new era. Dr. Judith
Sills asserts that, "women are finally powerful enough to love without
losing themselves in the process," and as a result, they are reclaiming
emotional strength, and working towards more gratifying relationships.
Making Changes
In Loving Men More, Needing
Men Less, Dr. Sills charts the course of the emotional passage that's
underway. She states that love, the ever elusive "chip of enlightenment,"
is finally within reach. Women—married or single, searching for love
or yearning to rediscover it—are beginning to reach a point of balance
between loving and needing men. This subtle yet pervasive shift is a transformation
in spirit, and by employing the tools of refocusing, reframing, and responding,
women will begin to bring themselves closer to love. Loving him more and
needing him less is an easy concept to misunderstand since "love" and
"need" are buzzwords from the last thirty years of struggle. However,
Dr. Sills explains:
- Needing a man less does
not mean having fewer needs. It means looking beyond men to satisfy
those needs.
- Loving a man more means
sympathizing with what he wants or needs but not that you always have
to give it to him.
- Opening up to love a man
more is not meant as a gift to him but as a reward for yourself.
Resolution
Combining her training and
experience as a clinical psychologist with practical advice, Dr. Sills
outlines the path that will take women to a higher ground. She asserts,
"Needing less and loving more is the newly balanced emotional center towards
which women are heading."
Has Dr. Sills really launched
a new women's movement towards achieving fulfilling love? Is change on
the horizon? Loving Men More, Needing Men Less is sure to spark debate
among women.
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1. Dr. Sills is the first to elucidate the change in women's love relationships with men—that they can love them more and need them less. This evolution has been quietly taking place in women's homes as well as in the media. How have you seen this development in mass culture? Has it affected your own relationships?
2. In what ways do you think that the feminist movement has contributed to this new paradigm of love?
3. Dr. Sills illustrates many problems that women have with their mates: the man who refuses to find a job, the boyfriend who can't communicate, or the husband who distances himself from any fatherly or household responsibilities. Which of Dr. Sills's recommendations might you use to improve a troubled relationship?
4. Many times we hide our real selves or make changes in our appearance or habits to please a man. When are changes to please a lover justified and when do women go too far?
5. Have you ever attempted to make over your mate? Did it cause tension? Which of Dr. Sills's strategies could you have used to solve the problem?
6. Dr. Sills says there is a point where compromise is a lowering of standards and acceptance costs integrity. Discuss your own limits. How do you draw the line in determining when tolerance and forgiveness will no longer work?
7. In what way can the principles that Dr. Sills teaches us be applied to other areas of our lives?
8. Dr. Sills says, "Needing him less means having some money of your own. If you have no other way to get it except through him, you need him too much." Is she being radical or realistic?
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"Judith Sills has shown me how to look at myself first to improve my relationships, with advice that is always on-target and personal but delivered with a sense of humor. She 'talks' to me the way my best friend or sister would...if they had her expertise. "
—Maureen from Kansas City
"Reading Loving Men More, Needing Men Less made me wonder why I had forgotten the basics which Dr. Sills pointed out so clearly...that people make mistakes, that not everything is so personal, that we don't have to take out our past disappointments on our new relationships. Dr. Sills was very reassuring and reawakened an attitude I had lost. Sometimes when you're out there looking to move forward, there doesn't seem to be a place to step...that is when a book like this becomes really valuable. "
—Julia from Seattle
